It's been quite a long time since I last posted on here...maybe sometime when I have extra time, I'll update this on what's been going on, but for now, I just wanted to write that the loss of baby Booker #4 that was due March 13, 2013, has me with so many mixed emotions. When I think about it too hard, my heart hurts and aches with something I've never experienced before..but sometimes I try to just stay busy and try not to think about everything.
(to catch you up, we found out we were pregnant around mid July...we were nervous- ok, I was nervous (4 kids, 3 dogs??? Whew!!!) but I was excited to be blessed enough to have the opportunity to give life again. We hadn't even contacted our midwife yet as we were busy getting ready for so many other things...my final program exam at school and Syd and Blake were getting ready tog back to school. On Friday, August 31, 2012, I woke up with the plans to shampoo the carpets, but first I had to try to get the crayons out of the carpet that the dogs chewed up.
Just as I was deciding that wasn't working too well, Josh sent me a check telling me to checkout bank account. With a raise and a new promotion, our balance was very surprising, so my friend Joanie took me to Ionia and we got wood. Yep, we painted and ripped out the carpet and put laminate down.
That Friday night, after painting and doing flooring all day, I went to the bathroom and noticed I was spotting a bit. The spotting, then cramps, kept on over the weekend, till Monday when I used the bathroom and spotting had turned to bright red bleeding. I couldn't get a hold of my midwife soo called the ER line ofnournfamy doctor who advised us to go to ER.
With a regular ultrasound, vaginal ultrasound, blood work, and a catheter gathered urine sample, it was confirmed that I was miscarrying... They said the baby probably died a week to two weeks prior to that, but because of the physical labor of doing the floor and painting, my body was then working to expel it.
Ok, now fast forward 11 days to today... Honestly, I'm struggling.... I keep searching the toilet bowl for what I think s our baby. Last night there was a lot more bleeding than I've had and upon using the bathroom for the first time this AM, I passed what could be the baby.....or a super giant clot or smthng... Idnt know buti couldn't just flush it. If it is the baby, it needs to be buried...and I want to bury it near or anniversary tree at Josh's parents house.
I don't know how long it's gong to be before I'm not bleeding anymore...it's been 2 weeks exactly today from when I started spotting... So far, it doesn't show signs of letting up. I promised Sue that I'll get ahold f the doctor. If it doesn't let up over the weekend, I'll call MaryAnn...
But, until my body is back to 'normal', I keep searching for our baby. I've dreamt that it's a boy, but really don't know....we didn't even have a name picked out yet :(
arpets... But first
